Exercises in Style Read online

  Logical conclusion.

  nsistence

  One day, at about midday, I got into an S bus which was nearly full. In an S bus which was nearly full there was a rather ridiculous young man. I got into the same bus as he, and this young man, having got into this same nearly full S bus before me, at about 12 noon, was wearing on his head a hat which I found highly ridiculous, I, the person who happened to be in the same bus as he, on the S line, one day, at about 12 noon.

  This hat was encircled by a sort of lanyard-like plaited cord, and the young man who was wearing the hat—and the cord—happened to be in the same bus as I, a bus which was nearly full because it was 12 noon; and underneath the hat, whose cord was an imitation of a lanyard, was a face succeeded by a long neck, by a long, long neck. Ah, how long it was, the neck of the young man who was wearing a hat encircled by a lanyard on an S bus, one day at about 12 noon.

  There was a lot of pushing and shoving in the bus which was conveying us towards the terminus of the S line, one day at about 12 noon, me and the young man who had put a long neck under a ridiculous hat. The jolts which occurred resulted in a protest, which protest emanated from the young man who had such a long neck on the platform of an S bus, one day at about 12 noon.

  There was an accusation formulated in a voice damp with wounded dignity, because on the platform of an S bus, a young man had a hat which was equipped with a lanyard all the way round it, and a long neck; there was also a vacant seat suddenly in this S bus which was nearly full because it was 12 noon, a seat which was soon occupied by the young man with the long neck and the ridiculous hat, a seat which he coveted because he didn’t wish to get pushed around any more on that bus platform, one day at about 12 noon.

  Two hours later I saw him again in front of the gare Saint-Lazare, the young man whom I had noticed on the platform of an S bus, the same day, at about 12 noon. He was with a companion of the same species as himself who was giving him some advice relative to a certain button on his overcoat. The other was listening attentively. The other—that’s the young man who had a lanyard round his hat, and whom I saw on the platform of a nearly full S bus, one day, at about 12 noon.

  gnorance

  Personally I don’t know what they want of me. Yes, I got on an S bus about midday. Were there a lot of people? Of course there were, at that hour. A young man with a felt hat? It’s quite possible. Personally I don’t examine people under a microscope. I don’t give a damn. A kind of plaited cord? Round his hat? I’ll agree that’s a bit peculiar, but it doesn’t strike me personally as anything else. A plaited cord . . . He had words with another man? There’s nothing unusual about that.

  And then I saw him again an hour or two later? Why not? There are a lot of things in life that are more peculiar than that. For instance, I remember my father was always telling me about . . .

  ast

  I got into the Porte Champerret bus. There were a lot of people in it, young, old, women, soldiers. I paid for my ticket and then looked around me. It wasn’t very interesting. But finally I noticed a young man whose neck I thought was too long. I examined his hat and I observed that instead of a ribbon it had a plaited cord. Every time another passenger got on there was a lot of pushing and shoving. I didn’t say anything, but all the same the young man with the long neck started to quarrel with his neighbour. I didn’t hear what he said, but they gave each other some dirty looks. Then the young man with the long neck went and sat down in a hurry.

  Coming back from the Porte Champerret I passed in front of the gare Saint-Lazare. I saw my young man having a discussion with a pal. the pal indicated a button just above the lapels of the young man’s overcoat. Then the bus took me off and I didnt see them any more. I had a seat and I wasn’t thinking about anything.

  resent

  At midday the heat coils round the feet of bus passengers. If, placed on a long neck, a stupid head adorned with a grotesque hat should chance to become inflamed, then a quarrel immediately breaks out. Very soon to become dissipated, however, in an atmosphere too heavy to carry ultimate insults very vividly from mouth to ear.

  Thus one goes and sits down inside, where it’s cool.

  Later can be posed, in front of stations with double courtyards, sartorial questions about some button or other which fingers slimy with sweat self-confidently fiddle with.

  eported speech

  Dr. Queneau said that it had happened at midday. Some passengers had got into the bus. They had been squashed tightly together. On his head a young man had been wearing a hat which had been encircled by a plait and not by a ribbon. He had had a long neck. He had complained to the man standing next to him about the continual jostling which the latter had been inflicting on him. As soon as he had noticed a vacant seat, said Dr. Queneau, the young man had rushed off towards it and sat down upon it.

  He had seen him later, Dr. Queneau continued, in front of the gare Saint-Lazare. He had been wearing an overcoat, and a friend who had happened to be present had made a remark to him to the effect that he ought to put an extra button on the said overcoat.

  assive

  It was midday. The bus was being got into by passengers. They were being squashed together. A hat was being worn on the head of a young gentleman, which hat was encircled by a plait and not by a ribbon. A long neck was one of the characteristics of the young gentleman. The man standing next to him was being grumbled at by the latter because of the jostling which was being inflicted on him by him. As soon as a vacant seat was espied by the young gentleman it was made the object of his precipitate movements and it became sat down upon.

  The young gentleman was later seen by me in front of the gare Saint-Lazare. He was clothed in an overcoat and was having a remark made to him by a friend who happened to be there to the effect that it was necessary to have an extra button put on it.

  lexandrines

  One midday in the bus—the S-line was its ilk—

  I saw a little runt, a miserable milk—

  Sop, voicing discontent, although around his turban

  He had a plaited cord, this fancy-pants suburban.

  Now hear what he complained of, this worm-metamorphosis

  With disproportionate neck, suffering from halitosis:

  —A citizen standing near him who’d come to man’s estate

  Was constantly refusing to circumnavigate

  His toes, each time a chap got in the bus and rode,

  Panting, and late for lunch, towards his chaste abode.

  But scandal was there none; this sorry personage

  Espied a vacant seat—made thither quick pilgrimage.

  As I was going back towards the Latin Quarter

  I saw him once again, this youth of milk-and-water.

  And heard his foppish friend telling him with dispassion:

  “The opening of your coat is not the latest fashion.”

  olyptotes

  I got into a bus full of taxpayers who were giving some money to a taxpayer who had on his taxpayer’s stomach a little box which allowed the other taxpayers to continue their taxpayers’ journeys. I noticed in this bus a taxpayer with a long taxpayer’s neck and whose taxpayer’s head bore a taxpayer’s felt hat encircled by a plait the like of which no taxpayer ever wore before. Suddenly the said taxpayer peremptorily addressed a nearby taxpayer, complaining bitterly that he was purposely treading on his taxpayer’s toes every time other taxpayers got on or off the taxpayers’ bus. Then the angry taxpayer went and sat down in a seat for taxpayers which another taxpayer had just vacated. Some taxpayer’s hours later I caught sight of him in the Cour for the taxpayers de Rome, in the company of a taxpayer who was giving him some advice on the elegance of the taxpayer.

  pheresis

  Ot us sengers. Ticed ung an eck embled at affe ring at ith ted ord. Ot gry nother senger plaining rod oes very one n ut. Ent at own here as ree eat.

  Ing ack eft ank ticed king own ith riend ving vice ow egant wing irst ton oat.

  pocope

&nb
sp; I g into a bu full of passen. I no a yo ma whose n resem th of a gir and who was wea a h w a plai cor. He g an with a passen, complai that he tr on his t e time any got i or o. Then he w and s d because th w a f s.

  Go b I b, I no him wal up and d w a f who was gi him ad on h to be ele, sho him the f but of his c.

  yncope

  I gt io bs full opssgers. I niced a youngn with a nesemataraffe and with a hathaplord. He got angwer pssger because he comined that he troes. Then he occed a vnt st.

  When I was ging along the sroute in the oppection, I niced him in Courome. He was beven a Ion in egance weference ta bun.

  peaking personally

  That’s something I do understand; a chap who goes out of his way to tread on your dogs, it makes you bloody wild. But after you’ve made a fuss about it to go and sit down like a bloody coward, that personally I don’t understand. I saw it with my own eyes the other day on the back platform of an S bus. Personally I thought the young man’s neck was somewhat long and I also thought that kind of plait thing round his hat was bloody silly. Personally I would never dare to show myself in such a get-up. But anyway, like I said, when he’d moaned at another passenger who was treading on his toes, this chap went and sat down and that was that. Personally I would have clipped him one, any bastard that trod on my toes.

  I tell you, personally I think there are some odd things in this life, it’s only mountains that never meet. A couple of hours later I met that young chap again. I saw him with my own eyes in front of the gare Saint-Lazare. Yes, I saw him myself with a friend of his own kidney who was saying—I heard him with my own ears: “You ought to raise that button.” I personally saw him with my own eyes, he was pointing to the top button.

  xclamations

  Goodness! Twelve o’clock! time for the bus! what a lot of people! what a lot of people! aren’t we squashed! bloody funny! that chap! what a face! and what a neck! two-foot long! at least! and the cord! the cord! I hadn’t seen it! the cord! that’s the bloody funniest! oh! the cord! round his hat! A cord! bloody funny! too bloody funny! here we go, now he’s yammering! the chap with the cord! at the chap next to him! what’s he saying! The other chap! claims he trod on his toes! They’re going to come to blows! definitely! no, though! yes they are, though! go wonn! go wonn! bite him in the eye! charge! hit ’im! well I never! no, though! he’s climbing down! the chap! with the long neck! with the cord! it’s a vacant seat he’s charging! yes! the chap!

  Well! ’t’s true! no! I’m right! it’s really him! over there! in the Cour de Rome! in front of the gare Saint-Lazare! mooching up and down! with another chap! and what’s the other chap telling him! that he ought to get an extra button! yes! a button on his coat! On his coat!

  ou know

  Well, you know, the bus arrived, so, you know, I got on. Then I saw, you know, a citizen who, you know, caught my eye, sort of. I mean, you know, I saw his long neck and I saw the plait round his hat. Then he started to, you know, rave, at the chap next to him. He was, you know, treading on his toes. Then he went and, you know, sat down.

  Well, you know, later on, I saw him in the Cour de Rome. He was with a, you know, pal, and he was telling him, you know, the pal was: “You ought to get another button put on your coat.” You know.

  oble

  At the hour when the rosy fingers of the dawn start to crack I climbed, rapid as a tongue of flame, into a bus, mighty of stature and with cow-like eyes, of the S-line of sinuous course. I noticed, with the precision and acuity of a Red Indian on the warpath, the presence of a young man whose neck was longer than that of the swift-footed giraffe, and whose felt hat was adorned with a plait like the hero of an exercise in style. Baleful Discord with breasts of soot came with her mouth reeking of a nothingness of toothpaste, Discord, I say, came to breathe her malignant virus between this young man with the giraffe neck and the plait round his hat, and a passenger of irresolute and farinaceous mien. The former addressed himself to the latter in these terms: “I say, you, anyone might think you were treading on my toes on purpose!” Having said these words, the young man with the giraffe neck and the plait round his hat quickly went and sat down.

  Later, in the Cour de Rome of majestic proportions, I again caught sight of the young man with the giraffe neck and the plait round his hat, accompanied by a friend, an arbiter elegantiarum, who was uttering these words of censure which I could hear with my agile ear, censure which was directed to the most exterior garment of the young man with the giraffe neck and the plait round his hat: “You ought to diminish its opening by the addition or elevation of a button to or on its circular periphery.”

  ockney *

  So A ’m stand’n’ n’ ahtsoider vis frog bus when A sees vis young Froggy bloke, caw bloimey, A finks, ’f’at ain’t ve most funniest look’n’ geezer wot ever A claps eyes on. Bleed’n’ great neck, jus’ loike a tellyscope, strai’ up i’ was, an’ ve titfer ‘e go’ on ‘is bonce, caw, A fought A’d ’a died. Six foot o’ skin an’ grief, A ses to meself, when awlver sud’n ’e starts to come ve ol’ acid, an’: “Gaw bloimey,” ’e ses, “wot ver ber-lee-din’ ow yeh fink yeh adeouin’ of?” ’E’s tawkin’ to annuver bleed’n’ fawrner vere on ve bus pla’form; ses ’e keeps a-treadin’ on ’is plites awler toime, real narky ’e gets, till vis uvver Frog bloke turns roun’ an’ ses: “‘Ere,” ’e ses, “oo yeh fink yeh git’n’ a’? Garn,” ’e ses, “A’II give yeh a pro’r mahrfful na minute,” ’e ses, “gi’ ah a vit.” So ’e does, pore bastard, ’e does a bunk real quick deahn ve bus wivaht anuvver word.

  Cup lowers la’r, guess wo’? A sees ve fust young bleeder agin walkin’ up’n deahn aht-soider ve Garsn Lazzer, arkin’ to anuvver young Froggy a-jorein’ ’im abeaht a bleedin’ bu’en.

  *Replacing Vulgaire

  ross-examination

  —At what time did the 12.23 p.m. S-line bus proceeding in the direction of the Porte de Champerret arrive on that day?

  —At 12.38 p.m.

  —Were there many people on the aforesaid S bus?

  —Bags of ’em.

  —Did you particularly notice any of them?

  —An individual who had a very long neck and a plait round his hat.

  —Was his demeanour as singular as his attire and his anatomy?

  —At the very beginning, no; it was normal, but in the end it proved to be that of a slightly hypotonic paranoiac cyclothymic in a state of hypergastric irritability.

  —How did that become apparent?

  —The individual in question interpellated the man next to him and asked him in a whining tone if he was not making a point of treading on his toes every time any passengers got on or off.

  —Had this reproach any foundation?

  —I’ve no idea.

  —How did the incident terminate?

  —By the precipitate flight of the young man who went to occupy a vacant seat.

  —Was there any sequel to this incident?

  —Less than two hours later.

  —In what did this sequel consist?

  —In the reappearance of this person across my path.

  —Where and how did you see him again?

  —When I was passing the Cour de Rome in a bus.

  —What was he doing there?

  —He was being given some sartorial advice.

  omedy

  ACT ONE

  SCENE 1

  On the back platform of an S bus, one day, round about 12 noon.

  THE CONDUCTOR: Fez pliz. (Some passengers hand him their fares.)

  SCENE 2

  (The bus stops)

  THE CONDUCTOR: Let ’em off first. Any priorities? One priority! Full up. Dring dring dring.

  ACT TWO

  SCENE 1

  (Same set.)

  FIRST PASSENGER: (young, long neck, a plait round his hat) It seems, Sir, that you make a point of treading on my toes every time anyone goes by.

  SECOND PASSENGER: (shrugs his shoulders)

  SCENE 2

  (A th
ird passenger gets off)

  FIRST PASSENGER: (to the audience) Whacko! a free seat! I’ll get it before anyone else does. (He precipitates himself on to it and occupies if)

  ACT THREE

  SCENE 1

  (The Cour de Rome)

  A YOUNG DANDY: (to the first passenger, now a pedestrian) The opening of your overcoat is too wide. You ought to make it a bit narrower by having the top button raised.

  SCENE 2

  On the S bus, passing the Cour de Rome.

  FOURTH PASSENGER: Huh, the chap who was in the bus with me earlier on and who was having a row with another chap. Odd encounter. I’ll make it into a comedy in three acts and in prose.

  sides

  The bus arrived bulging with passengers. Only hope I don’t miss it, oh good, there’s still just room for me. One of them queer sort of mug he’s got with that enormous neck was wearing a soft felt hat with a sort of little plait round it instead of a ribbon just showing off that is and suddenly started hey what’s got into him to vituperate his neighbour the other chap isn’t taking any notice of him reproaching him for deliberately treading seems as if he’s looking for trouble but he’ll climb down on his toes. But as there was a free seat inside didn’t I say so he turned his back and made haste to occupy it.